20 October 2023
Adjusting to Alone
WRITER: as told to Claire Williamson
PHOTOGRAPHER: Michelle Porter
Kei te Taiao. Back Roads.
In April 2022, following a separation from her husband, Michelle Porter – then forty-nine – solo-cycled the Otago Central Rail Trail. A rare few weeks without a partner or children, it was a reflective journey, affording her the grace to adapt to the nuances of being alone. Michelle opens up to Shepherdess about the feelings surrounding her trip and the scenery she documented along the way.
Top image. This is the Lindis Pass, just before coming into Wānaka. It was just golden hour, and there’s that fine, low road that you can see cutting through the landscape. From the get-go I’ve been determined not to let my separation ruin my outlook and joy for life, because that can happen. A lot of people probably wouldn’t go off and do things like that by themselves when they’re already lonely. But I was like, “I’m out there, I’m doing this adventure.” It was a reflective journey in lots of ways. Above. This used to be one of the stops on the railway when it was operating. It reminded me of that classic Kiwi shed in a barren landscape and paintings by Grahame Sydney. It’s the sort of stuff you see in paintings, but it’s there in reality in front of you.
I went to cycle the Rail Trail when my ex was wanting to take the kids – Isla, 18, Rory, 16 and Skye, 13 – over to his family in the UK. It was one of those interesting times where you think, “Oh, you’ve been given all this time.” I thought, “Yeah, it’s gonna be lonely without the kids; and it’s gonna be weird.” I was happy for them but there were lots of emotions around.
I’ve always been happy with my own company but I think post-separation, things definitely change. There’s the whole loneliness thing that you have to adjust to after being together – I was with my husband for twenty-three years. You have to get used to doing things alone a lot of the time. During the seven days of the actual ride, I was quite happy daydreaming and meditatively tuning out into the landscape. But there were definitely moments where it was all a bit too lonely. I remember one day feeling like, “Oh, why am I doing this alone, without mates?” It’s kind of hard because when you’re staying in these places and then you go out to the pub for dinner, you’re by yourself and everyone else is in groups and couples. People don’t really realise it, but it’s such a couple society out there.
One night I had an amazing experience, though. I’d heard about this really cool pub – quite a British pub in the middle of nowhere – Blacks Hotel in Ophir. I couldn’t get accommodation at it, but I thought, “I’m just gonna go by myself for a drink.” I started chatting to the landlady, and she was like, “Oh, come and sit with the locals,” and she put me at a table with her friends. It was truly like a magical beacon in the midst of a barren landscape, full of joyful hospitality. The moonlit cycle back home was just magic.
A classic Kiwi backcountry road. This wasn’t actually a cycleway, because the trails are a bit smaller. This photo was taken on one of the days when I just knew the light was amazing. I think in a past life I was definitely a cowgirl! The burnt ochre and browns combined with the soft light was soothing to the soul. I felt a palpable presence there amidst the seeping surge of the hills, big skies and plains like out of a Western.
The Ōmarama Clay Cliffs on the way to the Rail Trail are amazing. I’d never actually been to them before and I’d always wanted to go. That’s the thing when you’re separated – everyone else is doing stuff with families, especially as you get older, too. There’s only a couple of friends that you’ve got to do things with, but no one was around. So I thought, “I’ll do it by myself. I’ve travelled in my twenties by myself in India, anyway.”
The Weir & French building is in Ranfurly. It’s a really tiny, industrial sort of town. This sort of signage is typical of buildings built in the forties and fifties.
If you enjoyed this story, please share with someone else.
This story appeared in the Kōanga Spring 2023 Edition of Shepherdess.
Get your hands on a copy.
Related Stories
A Warm Wairoa Welcome
A fifth-generation farmer, single mum and entrepreneur, Rose shares her story and recommends the walks, views and places that have captured her heart in Wairoa.
Jessie Cameron
One year on from taking the reins, she reflects on the similarities between succession planning for farming and their jewellery business; how they approach design; and what styles are making
Judy Waterson
Nestled among snow-capped mountain ranges and the lazy Waitaki River, you’ll find Judy Waterston firing up the forge and pumping the bellows at the historic Nicol’s Blacksmith Shop in Duntroon.
Gillian Swinton’s Bedside Table
Discover the story behind the items on her bedside table - from a pile of seeds, to her grandmother's ring and its many sentimental memories.