01 July 2022

“I was trying to do everything and it was impossible.”

writer: Carly Thomas

photographer: Anna Brook

The doing-it-all approach to life is one that farming mum-of-three Tracy Henderson knows all too well. She has faced it front on and has made some changes that have allowed her more breathing space. Tracy shares her thoughts with Carly Thomas.

Tracy Henderson, 36, is quietly pondering the question of expectations surrounding mums on the land. This morning, she’s been up since 5.30am. She’s baked muffins for the kids and a cake for her farm staff’s smoko before dropping her eldest daughter Ruby, 6, at school and her younger two – Gus, 4, and Annie, 3 – at kindy.

A multi-tasker and a busy mother, Tracy runs a dairy farm just outside Invercargill with her husband Steve and their six staff. She is involved in her local community, she sits on several committees including Tisbury School PTA, Rockdale Park Kindergarten, and Southern Field Days, and she says life is often a ‘struggle juggle’. Given a moment to think about what this means, she concludes, “I just don’t know. Why do we feel the pressure? We do feel it, don’t we – the expectations of doing it all.”

Tracy grew up on a family sheep and beef farm at Otunui, near Taumarunui, where both her parents were fully engaged in their community. "I guess that is where I get it from, wanting to give my time to others and I like being out there, doing things." She doesn't add up the hours she spends on her committee work - she fits it in around her other responsibilities.

Tracy had a good crack at doing it all - mothering, farming and voluntary work - when Ruby came along six years ago. The Hendersons had just made the shift from share-milking to running a much bigger dairy farm with a herd of 850 cattle and a run-off block. "We were in the growth stage of our career and things were starting to move along. We hadn't really thought too much about how having kids would change things."

With Ruby, Tracy remained very involved in the day-to-day running of the farm. She breastfed in the car while getting the cows in, and took the baby out with her in the tractor. She was also cooking and trying to keep things going at home. "I look back now and think just how crazy it was."

She kept up the pace until son Gus came along. "I finally decided that I had to make some changes. We farm because we love it. But I have now learned that I can love it and live it without having to be full-time. I was trying to do everything and it was impossible. I thought that if I couldn't do it all then I was a failure. And it wasn't pressure from other people. No-one was pressuring me, I was doing it to myself.

"I am not alone. My mum was always baking. She helped out on the farm, too, and she did all the household jobs. There are a lot of women feeling like they have to do it all. But you can't see it at the time. And I wouldn't change it [how the pressure developed] because I don't think I would have learned if I hadn't gone through it."

Tracy says the pressures and expectations are not so much talked about but observed among family, friends and her wider community. She also sees a reluctance to ask for help, even though there are always people who would step in if needed.

Tracy and Steve have always been a team. They met as students at Lincoln University in Canterbury and later went dairy farming down south together. After Gus arrived and Tracy struggled to keep up with everything on her plate, they figured out some adjustments. Steve muddled through becoming a parent just as much Tracy did. "He had to adjust in the beginning, filling in the gaps that I wasn't doing and helping with cooking and cleaning and all of that stuff."

Steve took over doing the GST when Tracy was finding it too much. She's just taken it back again, but he still jumps in when needed. Saying "no" to tasks and responsibilities that she couldn't reasonably manage was something Tracy learnt to do after she and Steve reviewed their vision, purpose and values.

The dynamics of working together as a couple changed with the kids, as did their priorities. "When we were young and had no children we could work all day together and meal times weren't important," says Steve. "When children came along, timings became important. Kids are great for levelling you."

Crucially, Tracy and Steve hired more staff. While this initially seemed unaffordable, it has worked out well for them. "We have had to be profit driven because we are very debted-up," Tracy says. "But it is now more about having that life balance, having more staff and having a healthier life." She has also learned to trust her staff and relent a little bit on control. "I don't have to be there all the time but I can still be a part of it." However, this is a toughie for Tracy. "I still feel like I have to be seen to be contributing."

She and Steve are mindful that some of their staff members have young kids, too, and they understand their juggle as well. "We work around things that come up [for staff]. We have a mum who works between day care hours, and she is great." The team is on hourly wages so they can be a bit more flexible with hours that suit their home life, and the increased staff means there is cover when the unexpected occurs - such as sick kids at home.

Nowadays Tracy does farm tasks that fit around the kids - another change from earlier times. "We do jobs together. It takes longer to move a break with them in tow because we jump in puddles and things like that. I have learned that it doesn't matter and we can have fun along the way."

She admits that being out with the kids is not so great on cold winter days, and it is definitely not picture-perfect. "There are days when the kids don't want to come but they have to. That's just the reality. There are days when all the food that you brought with you and thought would last the whole day only lasts till morning tea, and kids are crying that they want to go home." She says there will always be bad moments to put behind you. "Letting go to grow - that's my saying, and it really helps to live by that."

It's currently drying off time on the farm. Before the children this was a busy period for Tracy. "When I had the kids I would worry that I wasn't helping, that I should be helping." Now she paces herself more, getting some of the farming organisation sorted on the weekends for the week ahead. She cooks the staff lunches during drying off (as well as their regular smokos), and then tidies up paperwork in the evenings.

Tracy and Steve have gradually developed a better work-life balance, and Tracy has learned to make - and take - more time for herself. "I wish I had looked after myself [earlier] a bit more than I did. Now I can see that it's better to do less but do those things better." She discovered the joy of exercise after having a particularly down day and feeling fed up. "I was sitting on the couch and I just felt so tired and lazy. I thought, I have to do something about this."

So, for the past few years she has been working out twice a week at a gym in Invercargill with a high-intensity cross-training team. She has made good friends and it's become a valued part of her life. "I feel like it is my time." Steve saw how much Tracy benefitted from the workouts, and, though he'd never set foot in a gym before, now he's doing team training too.

They fit their respective sessions in between milking and when the kids are at school and day care. Steve sometimes drops Tracy off in town and she runs home, she does the same for Steve and he bikes. The kids reap the benefits as well. "We can have a rugby match on the lawn and keep up with the kids. The old me would not have done that."

Tracy has just signed the super-fit Hendersons up for a family adventure race. Steve says it's important to do things like this with the kids, have fun with them and get off the farm more. Their off-farm activities typically involve outdoor pursuits such as boating, the kids' sports and school activities and catching up with friends and family.

On the home front, Tracy has also relaxed on the constant round of tidying and chores. "You think you have to do it, but actually it doesn't really matter. Why clean the house ten times a day?" Tracy's house may not be immaculate but her kids have fun. She doesn't do the crack-of-dawn milking but she is very much an integral part of the farm. She's learned to give herself a breather, do something for herself, and to say no to some of the struggle juggle.

Although she doesn't have all the answers for farming mums, Tracy now knows that the best thing to offer a friend with a newborn is a home-cooked meal. Expectations, she has learnt, are often self-inflicted. "And we are the ones who can change them."