Turning forty – embracing authenticity, a slower pace and growth, and shedding expectations

I turned forty last October. I had a very small gathering with a bunch of female friends - it was very low-key, and I was home by ten. Leading up to it, it felt like a big deal, because I thought to myself, "You're not where you thought you would be at forty." Life has completely changed in the past few years, and I was still out to sea a bit, still finding the purpose of everything - what I was supposed to be doing. Leading up to forty I thought, "I should have it all together, and I don't." All these pressures I put on myself; that's why it felt monumental.

I felt it coming over the preceding year or so. All the things I thought to be true, who I thought I was . . . I didn't feel like I was being me - I wasn't being authentic - and I've just been slowly peeling back the layers. It probably started when I went through divorce and had to navigate those challenges, like trying to find balance and still be a family in a nonconventional way - we co-parent; we're great mates. But it's taken a lot longer than I thought to come out the other side.

I literally woke up the day after my fortieth birthday thinking, "Now it's time to actually start living in my real world and see where that takes me." I stopped looking at what other people were doing. I removed myself a bit more from social media. I decided that day to start living in the present.

I've realised I've got as much time ahead of me as I have behind me. It seems not very long, but at the same time it is. I feel like time has slowed right down. I am aware of my thoughts now, about what comes into my head, and I take the time to choose my thoughts and process them. I have the option now to really think about what I want to do and not rush into anything for the sake of ticking a box.

A lot of it also comes down to the kids being older. When they were younger, I would get caught up in the pressures of how you were supposed to parent - you have to give them this, and you have to do that, and if you don't, you're not giving them the best possible upbringing. Then the divorce blew all of that out of the water. Now when the kids are with me we do a lot of just hanging out: gardening, preparing food, growing food, just being together. I've been really trying to embrace that with them, which is not always what a teenager wants! I began having kids around the time that social media started to really bombard you; make you question everything that you were doing. It's so easy to get caught up in it when you feel like you have no idea what you're doing!

My kids have picked up on the change in me. Especially my eldest. She says, "Mum, you're just so calm and happy and relaxed now." And that's because I'm living authentically. I don't beat myself up - I trust that I've made the right decisions in life. With everything that we've been through, everyone's come out okay. I can enjoy myself now.

They have watched me grow. Sometimes I think, "Poor children, having to watch their mother grow!" But they are happy, confident children, and especially coming into those teenage years where self-doubt is often quite high in girls, I feel I can impart so much more wisdom to them now because of my experiences.

Coming up to forty, I thought I was getting old, that I was done with my youth, and that was quite scary. That thinking needs to be blown out of the water. I thought forty was ancient when I was twenty. But it's not old; you're in your prime. Now I've flipped and I think, well, I'm wise now. I'm moving into that next level of womanhood, which is sharing wisdom. I've learnt so much that I can use in a positive way. As a woman, there is so much focus on the negatives of getting older. It seems like we're supposed to disappear, but women come into their power as they get older.

It will be interesting to see how my daughters think about middle age. That was definitely a driving force for me to find peace within myself - especially as my girls get older and start to really see the world and form their views, it's nice for them to see me embrace ageing rather than run away from it.

The more I understand myself, the more I accept myself and all that comes with me - all my flaws, the mistakes I've made. I've made peace with myself. I've narrowed down the key word for me: happy.