Writing their own story – in the order they want it to play out – when it comes to marriage and kids

We live in Amberley in North Canterbury on a medium hill-country property and run Angus cattle and Merino sheep, changing to Halfbreds. We manage this place for a couple that live in Christchurch, who we've become good friends and farming business partners with. We moved here in February 2018 from Irishman Creek Station, which is in Tekapo, with a six-month-old. Five years later, we've had another two kids - so we've got William, 5, Georgia, 3, and Harry, who's eight months old.

I was brought up on a farm in Southland, and Pole is a North Canterbury boy. We met when I was thirty-two and he was about thirty-five. My sister-in-law said, "Oh, I know someone for you!" and set us up. We'd both done long-term relationships that didn't work out, and it was just the right timing for both of us. He was in Canterbury and I was living in Wānaka. We were such long-distance, but it was pretty solid from the start - we have the same background, same values, all that sort of stuff. But I was at the age where I was really, really wanting babies. But do we wait to get married, and then I'll be thirty-four when we start having children? I just talked to Pole, really open and vulnerably, and he was like, "Well, why don't we just have a baby?" That was such a weight off my shoulders! The pressure of thinking that you have to get married.

When we'd been together about a year and a half, I was working in Dunstan Hospital and he was at Irishman Creek, near Lake Tekapo, and I was travelling back and forth, which is two-and-a-half hours. On Christmas Day I was coming back from a shift and he proposed to me on the side of Lake Pukaki. I was just pregnant with William, so it was a very special day - one of the best.  Five or six years later, we're still not married! But we are very, very happy. We've got our family. For us it was about prioritising what we both wanted.

It's definitely not the global situation that's prevented us from getting married. We will get married, when the kids are older. I think having kids makes the day feel more special because you've been through more together. We definitely have grown every year as a couple. We just prioritised what we wanted.

Everyone's pretty open-minded here, they take you for who you are as a couple. The kids have got Pole's last name. But it's not hard on them [having a different name from their mum], they just find it interesting at this age. That might be something they wonder about a bit more when they're older. There's little things, though, like on a school trip [the teacher might] say, "You're in Mrs Kotlowski's car," but I'm actually Ms Stewart. That doesn't bother me. It actually makes me chuckle for some reason - being called Mrs Kotlowski.

There is a LOT of pressure from my family to get married, but it's because they want a party! -  not because they think we need to be married. Moving up here was actually a breath of fresh air because three of Pole's good friends were in de-facto relationships with children. So that really took a lot of pressure off me. We also want a party, though - so hopefully that will happen in the next five years.

I think Pole's more pragmatic than me. He'll just say, "That's what we do." He doesn't worry about anyone else. And that's what I've learnt from him - you can just write your own story, without following tradition. I'm forty this year, so if I had waited [to be married] I might not have had three children. Everyone's different, but it's just what we wanted. Basically, yes, marriage is what we want, but right at the moment we have other priorities in front of us.

There are a lot more kids around [with unmarried parents]. Our parents' generation, they met young, got married, had children in their twenties. Women now have amazing careers and kids if and when they want them - we're able to do what we want without the pressure of traditions. I think if the kids are in a good home environment, that's all that matters. You've just got to do what makes you happy, don't ya?