What Loving People Do

I’ve been with Dave for nearly twenty-two years now. It’s been a while, but it doesn’t seem that long at all. It’s been a really good relationship. I’ve got four kids – one from a previous relationship, three with Dave – and three stepchildren, who are all in their thirties. My oldest, from my previous relationship, is twenty-three, and my youngest is seventeen next month. I’ve got fourteen grandchildren from Dave’s kids, and while none of them are technically my own, I still consider them mine. 

Dave hasn’t worked for more than twenty-two years, due to an accident. He walked into our garage door, and it knocked him on his butt. The damage from that has left him with no fluid in his spine, and his C7 and C8 vertebrae are compressed and crushing the nerves. He has lost the use of his little finger and ring finger on both hands, due to the nerve damage, and this impacts his ability to hold things, and the slightest bump is excruciating for him.   

He’s also had a couple of strokes. We were together not even a year when he had his first one. We didn’t know what it was. He just collapsed in the shower, and I was lucky to be able carry him to our bedroom. He’s not a big bloke, but he’s sturdy and I was just a petite thing. But I managed to do that. Then, it was about ten years ago, he heard popping in his left ear, and we were told that it was quite possible that he did have another stroke. So that was quite shocking. But he’s been really good – he didn’t lose any motor skills or anything like that. So that was lucky. 

I actually had one, too. I was nine months pregnant with my son, so seventeen years ago, I had a minor stroke. That was a bit scary, but I came out all right, and my son was all right. I’ve had my own raft of health problems. I was born with only one functioning kidney, the other was covered in cists. It has taken a massive toll on my life. For nearly twenty-one years, I’ve had to put up with it – I could barely walk if they got too cold, and I spent two years pretty much bed-ridden. I also had endometriosis, so I had surgery for that, and I had a heart attack a day before my thirty-fourth birthday. Having to deal with all this has been a lot, but since my nephrectomy, earlier this year, the kidney problem has been fully resolved and I’ve started to live life like a normal person, enjoying the small things like walking, cleaning, cooking, fishing and shopping. 

The way I look at it, I’m not Dave’s carer – I’m just his wife. To me, that’s what my duties are as a wife, to support him and be there for what he needs. I do everything for him – I cosign for his Work and Income, I get him into the doctors, I’m the one who administers all his medications during the day – I’ve got to make sure that his tablets are filled so he’s got them in the morning, so he knows to take them – and then I’ll administer them at night time. 

I don’t see it as a chore or a responsibility. It’s just my duty as a wife to be there for him. He’s been there for me too. He’s taken me to the hospital when I need to. He’s always asking me, “Is there anything I can do for you? What can I get you?” It’s just what loving people do. It’s not like a nurse/patient kind of relationship. It’s actually a partnership, is what it is. 

Communication between partners is a must, especially in a situation like ours. If you don’t talk, then you’re not going to know what the other one’s thinking, or how you’re going to help them. It’s also about letting them know that you are there for them, no matter what the circumstances are. My advice to anyone whose partner has a debilitating medical condition is – just love each other. Dave is my world. He absolutely is my world. I would do anything for him. I really would.